Archive for Meet the Candidates

Meet the Candidates: Rudolph William Louis Giuliani (Update)

Okay, I was wrong. A week ago last Sunday I wrote this about Rudy Giuliani:

Giuliani’s single biggest weakness right now is his support for the occupation in Iraq and his continued support for neo-imperialist wars. This is almost certainly calculated to draw as many fundamentalists and industrialists to the primary polls as possible, but it’s a bit like shortening a baseball bat so you can swing it faster. By taking a position opposed by a good two-thirds of voters, he might as well give up now.

While anyone still supporting the occupation of Iraq is nearly as boneheaded as a Pachycephalosaurus, his main weakness right now is the fact that he is certifiably insane. While Giuliani was speaking about (read: lying about) the Democratic candidates’ foreign policies, he said: “Hillary and Obama are kind of debating whether to invite [Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Osama bin Laden] to the inauguration or the inaugural ball.” Uh-huh.

To review, we have a paranoid-delusional Baptist minister, a “dumb as hell” actor, a senator with clear signs of senile dementia, and a simply idiotic serial monogamist running for the Republican nomination. So, Mitt, it’s up to you to make it a perfecta: might I suggest schizophrenia? Who knows, maybe receiving campaign advice straight from God will help.

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Meet the Candidates: Rudolph William Louis Giuliani

You may recall that, way back in February, I started a series on the presidential candidates. I’m afraid, dear hearts, that there’s only two more (Giuliani and Fred Thomson). Not because I’m leaving (deity-of-your-choice forbid!), but because Hilary Clinton is so far ahead of her competitors that the primary campaign might as well be over. But don’t worry, this one’s a doozy. Let’s meet Rudolph William Louis Giuliani, the election-postponing, national-security-endangering, flip-flopping, ball-dropping, child-abusing-priest-protecting, 9-11 exploiting, philanthropist-money-stealing, freedom-hating, waterboarding, Parkinson’s-patient-abusing, phony-phone-call-taking, free-speech-muzzling sonuvabitch with more ties to the mob than Mitt Romney has follicles.

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Meet the Candidates: Willard Mitt Romney

I’ve gotten into my galloshes and waders, which can only mean one thing: time to wade through the muck that is Mitt Romney! (Don’t worry, I’ll get to McCain and Giulianni, but hazmat suits were on backorder.)

If you read the last issue, you know that I rate the candidates five ways:

Chance at Nomination (Out of 10)
Electability (Out of 10)
Main Strength
Main Weakness
Good or Bad (The higher the better)

So, let’s get to it! Introducing Mitt Romney, the Stormin’ Mormon! (With intense apologies to Jackson and Nathan)
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Meet the Candidates: Hillary Rodham Clinton

Election season comes earlier every year, or so they say. I personally have been around for so few (four, aware of two) that I haven’t noticed much of a difference. However, since the candidates are already turning beautiful colors declaring their candidacies, I’m going to analyze each of the major candidates earlier than most. (But one at a time. I’m only human.) Each has a few parts:

Chance at Nomination (Out of 10)
Electability (Out of 10)
Main Strength
Main Weakness
Good or Bad (The higher the better)

This edition (as it says in the title) is about Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, Queen of the Cold Pricklies.
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